Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls