[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Sheep
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.