Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.