me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
You Might Also Like
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.