I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!