My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.