None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.