Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
🤣🤣🤣
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time