I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.