The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
This was a bad idea all around
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
LA today:
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend