There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.