I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
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doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
May never get over this
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.