Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
A fake ID that makes you younger
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
What a chick magnet..
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.