drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.