My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
When your parents check you’re ok.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.