you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
You Might Also Like
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.