*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
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termite twitter scares me
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly