Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*