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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Oh hi lol
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Godspeed, John Glenn
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
checking out some reviews of my local library
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow