Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.