The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
This week’s mood.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*