Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
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take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.