A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?