I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
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If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
🤣dope
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
this makes me so uncomfortable
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.