I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.