Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
You Might Also Like
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.