People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
You Might Also Like
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.