COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
You Might Also Like
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist