Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
#JohnTravolta
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.