Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes