Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue