my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
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Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Meow
Breaking news:
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward