Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
*orders delivery*
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
pizza
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Guantanamo Bae