What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]