In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.