Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
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‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.