I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.