*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
You Might Also Like
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I have a new favorite meme page
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.