Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Check your privilege
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.