Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
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Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
“TGIM!” – My liver