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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Brands during Pride
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do