frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
You Might Also Like
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
cyclists
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.