Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.