Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
You’ll be OK
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted