My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.