[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
$4 #usedbooks
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I’m tired tomorrow.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.