Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they鈥檒l send your kid back.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else鈥檚.
Me: Secretly? No.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
if i owned a bakery, i鈥檇 call it That鈥檚 How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing鈥檚 Awry or We Enable Cookies or We鈥檙e Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I鈥檝e got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it鈥檚 gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
5: Mommy, you鈥檙e a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She鈥檚 always been that way.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it鈥檒l upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You鈥檒l be needing this, then
W: I despise you
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 馃槶
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you鈥檙e never gonna hit this
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?