[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
🤣🤣💀
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
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when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.