Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
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When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
need him
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead