You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I feel it
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.